You know how some people—not me, but some people—get to feeling envious, inadequate and as boring as a brown paper bag when they hear about other people’s good fortune or accomplishments. I recently stumbled across a catchy name for that psychological phenomenon: compare and despair. Isn’t that a clever turn of phrase? I wish I was as wise as whoever came up with that expression to describe that thing other people do.
As a confident, enlightened person who is content with my life some of the time, I never compare and despair. Or admit to it. Still after hearing the phrase I was curious about how one might stop comparing and despairing if one were in the habit of doing it, which I am not. I did some research on the subject and as a public service I will now share what I learned.
First off, if you’re prone to compare and despair, take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. A quick internet search of the phrase came up with 20,800,000 results. How have I never heard it before? I’m always the last to know. Obviously it’s a problem for a lot of people. Not me. But a lot.
The author of one online article I read said it’s easy to focus on the good parts of other people’s lives and forget the difficult ones. That’s so true. It’s like the old adage, “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence because they spend a lot of time watering it.”
She said we humans tend to, “compare our insides to other people’s outsides.” There’s another brilliant expression I wish I’d thought of. We see the big, fancy house but not the big, fancy mortgage. We see our friend’s vacation photos but not their credit card bills. Of course, the mortgage could be paid off and they could have paid cash for the vacation. But you can see how telling yourself otherwise might make you feel better.
Another article suggested we consider the possibility that someone somewhere might actually be comparing themselves to us and our outsides. Trying to figure out why they would do that could help us appreciate what we have a little more. In other words, while we’re wishing we could keep up with the Joneses, the Joneses might be wishing they could keep up with us. That’s hard to believe. I think the Joneses have better taste than that.
One article suggested we avoid the situations that trigger us to compare and despair. The author was mainly referring to that great self-esteem slayer in cyberspace, social media. But I think you might also want to avoid reading Christmas letters and going to the gym. Both have been known to cause compare and despair in some people. Not me, but some people.
And it’s easy to see why. Hardly anyone mentions their insides in Christmas letters. And it’s hard not to compare yourself to other people at the gym and come up short—or tall or fat or thin, though seldom thin. That’s why I don’t go to the gym.
And finally another article suggested we compare ourselves to ourselves rather than other people. You’d think that would end in a tie. But the author went on to say we should celebrate our own progress, ask ourselves how we stack up against our former selves—unless it’s worse.
That does sound like a positive alternative to compare and despair if I were the type to do that, which I am not.
Dorothy Rosby is the author of Alexa’s a Spy and Other Things to Be Ticked off About, Humorous Essays on the Hassles of Our Time and other books. Contact her at www.dorothyrosby.com/contact.