Words are invisible, yet they can move people. A sentence can inspire a frightened person, heal a broken heart, or persuade an entire audience that something is worth fighting for. Words can also wound, manipulate, deceive, and destroy. Those who understand the power of persuasion wield extraordinary influence. Being persuasive is more than being articulate. It is knowing how to connect words to emotion, values, hopes, fears, and dreams. The most persuasive people understand that individuals rarely make decisions based on facts alone. We make decisions based on emotional connections to the issue. Consider the difference between saying, “You need tåo change.” That comment creates resistance. Instead, one can declare, “You were made for more. Somewhere inside you is the person you always hoped you would become. Don’t let another day pass without meeting that person.” Same message. Radically different impact. That is the power of words.
A dangerously articulate person knows precisely where the emotional pressure points are. But persuasion becomes dangerous when the speaker understands emotion better than integrity. Charismatic candidates use lines like, “They took everything from you. They laughed at your pain. They don’t respect you. But I do, and together, we will make them pay.” Or “I will ensure we tax those billionaires. They do not care about you, but I do. Life is so unfair, and I will make sure you have health care, affordable housing, universal childcare, and groceries.” Those words can transform sadness into rage.
Additionally, imagine someone whispering to a vulnerable teenager, “Nobody understands you as I do. Your parents don’t really see you. Your friends don’t really care. But I do.” These words may sound compassionate, but they can be the first link in a chain of manipulation. That is why being articulate is not enough. Words require character and truth. History, politics, advertising, religion, business, romance, and even ordinary family conversations reveal the extraordinary power of language. A husband can say, “You’re overreacting,” or he can say, “I can see that I’ve hurt you. Help me understand.” One closes a door. The other opens one.
A parent can say, “I’m disappointed in you,” or “I know you can do better, and I refuse to give up on you.” A leader can say, “We have problems,” or “We have challenges, and we have the courage, creativity, and determination to overcome them.”
Last night, my 13-year-old grandson told me he did not feel confident about his friend group. He wondered whether they really liked him. I told him to reframe his thinking. Instead of wondering whether they like him, he should think about whether he likes them. He was empowered.
Sometimes ideology trumps persuasion. A few years ago, a speaker from the Center for Relationship Education was teaching a high school class on relationship and life skills. He asked the students about their life goals. The lesson covered goals related to education, job choices, future marriage and family, travel adventures, health and wellness, exercise, charity, and service to others. The teacher stopped the guest speaker and asked him to leave, stating that marriage and family formation could not be part of the lesson. Perplexed, he asked, “Why?” Her answer was shocking. She told him that most of the students live in single-parent, unmarried households and that he was shaming them. I talked with the teacher. I asked her whether she would feel the speaker was shaming the students if he talked about finishing their education, even if their parents did not, or about obeying the law if their parents were incarcerated. The teacher became frustrated and emotional, even madder, and told me that my argument was a “Red Herring.”
I realized at that point that even though I was dangerously articulate, I was fighting a losing battle. We removed the speaker from the classroom and decided not to continue serving this high school, which is sad because the students will not receive a life script that gives them a pathway to human flourishing.
Let us not become weary in persuading others. joneen@narme.org