I’ve been thinking about how much more time we’d all have if there were no stinkards in the world. And no scallywags, rotters or spalpeens. You know; people of low character. Yes, I could have just said that, but I felt the need for stronger language—just not so strong I couldn’t use it in this publication.
I was recently robbed of valuable time by a certain stinkard who was really after my money. And it’s some consolation that he didn’t get that too. If he had, I’d have needed even stronger language.
It all started when I saw a charge I didn’t recognize on my bank statement. I spent hours reporting it, visiting the bank to get a new debit card and searching online thesauruses for meaner names to call the person responsible.
The charge was eventually removed, but not before I wasted all that time—time I could have used to clean my office and pull weeds in our flower bed. I probably wouldn’t have but I still blame the stinkard for my messy office and my overgrown flowerbed.
I thought that was the end of it. But then my computer virus software expired. I was sure I’d set it up to renew automatically. And I was right. I had—with my now invalid debit card, a fact I realized only after spending more time researching the issue—time I could have used to mop my kitchen and do my laundry, though there’s no guarantee I would have.
So there I was with no virus protection in a world of rascals, rogues and reprobates. The particular scoundrel who attempted to steal my money not only robbed me of the time it took to panic, report the charge and replace my debit card, he also forced me to spend precious time updating my virus protection. This took longer than I’d expected for reasons I won’t go into because it would take me too long to explain and you too long to read. And I think we can agree too much time has been squandered already.
Suffice it to say I spent many hours over the course of three days on the phone while computer technicians took over my computer remotely. Not only was this a waste of my time and probably theirs too, it was a waste of my husband’s time. He was forced to listen to me rant that if there were no stinkards in the world, we wouldn’t even need virus protection and I could be working. I couldn’t very well write a best-selling novel while someone else had control of my computer, could I?
The fact that I couldn’t anyway is beside the point. Stinkards not only regularly rob me of my time and peace of mind, they keep me from being the productive person I know I could be. Or like to think I could be. As long as the world is full of spalpeens, weasels and rotters I’ll never know what I’m truly capable of.
And it’s not just me. According to some estimates, average Americans waste up to eight hours each year on scam phone calls and 80 hours a year deleting spam emails. Add that to the number of hours we fritter away deleting spam text messages, replacing debit cards, shopping for virus protection and looking up other ways to say “thief.” Then multiply that by the 340 million people living in the United States and you get a grand total of…well…a lot.
Just think what Americans could do with all that time—cure cancer, heal our planet, broker peace deals between political parties, though that may take longer.
I dream of a world without stinkards. In the meantime, stealing time is a serious offense and the punishment should fit the crime. I wouldn’t trust the rascal who inspired this tirade to clean my office but I wouldn’t mind watching him pull weeds in my flowerbed.
Dorothy Rosby is an author and humor columnist whose work appears regularly in publications in the West and Midwest. You can subscribe to her blog at www.dorothyrosby.com or contact at www.dorothyrosby.com/contact.