HUMOR – High Fives and Animal Crackers

National Thank a Mail Carrier Day is February 4, Childcare Provider Day is May 10 and International Sword Swallowers Day is February 28—really. I found all three on a lengthy list of profession-related holidays. And why not? There are days set aside to honor, among many other things, penguins, ugly sweaters and oatmeal nut waffles so it’s only fair that hardworking people have a day too.   

Incidentally, it makes perfect sense that International Sword Swallowers Day lands in February because February is National Swallowing Disorders Month. If a sword down the throat isn’t a disorder, I don’t know what is. I was relieved to read that the events associated with the day help raise money for the treatment of sword swallowers who’ve been injured in the course of their work. Maybe they can’t claim worker’s compensation.

Forgive me. I’m getting off track. The holiday I really want to focus on is National Columnists’ Day which is coming up on April 18. We columnists definitely deserve a day of our own even if writing a column isn’t quite as risky as being a sword swallower or a childcare provider.

It does take courage to write a column though. Not so much for me. I mainly write about my own faults and foibles and nobody ever disagrees with me about those. Actually I wouldn’t mind if they did sometimes.

But some columnists face hostility for writing things others disagree with or don’t want made public. Now that I think about it, I may have come down a little hard on oligarchs and big pharma CEOs in the past, but that wasn’t too risky since they probably don’t read my column anyway.

By the way, there’s no special day set aside for oligarchs and big pharma CEOs. That’s probably because every day is their day. But they do bring to mind another profession-related holiday I saw on the list. Rat-Catcher’s Day is June 26. I swear I’m not making that up.  

Not only do some columnists take big risks, they also have to hit regular and frequent deadlines if they want to stay in the business. That alone deserves a day. We’re exactly like pastors who have a sermon due every Sunday—except we don’t have a church, a flock and all the other responsibilities. Fortunately pastors get their own day. Pastor/Clergy Appreciation Day is celebrated the second Sunday in October. But I bet they don’t even get the day off. 

National Personal Chef Day is July 16. And columnists have something in common with them too: We’re all great cooks. 

No, it’s not that. It seems to me one of the biggest challenges of being a personal chef would be having to constantly come up with meal ideas for your employer—unless that employer only eats macaroni and cheese and peanut butter sandwiches, in which case a personal chef is wasted on them and they should send theirs to me.

Columnists have to come up with ideas all the time too. Certainly that should earn us a holiday. There would be a lot fewer of us if at the beginning of our careers, we’d all realized that from that day forward, we’d have to come up with an idea every week or two for the rest of our life and probably a month beyond so we can give proper notice.

For all these reasons, I think we columnists have earned National Columnists’ Day. And I’d love to have you celebrate with me. How? Take your pick. April 18 is also National High Five Day, National Pinata Day and National Animal Cracker Day. 

Dorothy Rosby is an author and humor columnist whose work appears regularly in publications in the West and Midwest. You can subscribe to her blog at www.dorothyrosby.com or contact at www.dorothyrosby.com/contact.