HUMOR – Finally a Barbie that looks like me 

I blame my lack of success in adulthood on the mediocre dolls of my youth. I have to blame it on something and that beats blaming me. Barbie dolls have been inspiring young girls for generations but I never had one. My dolls and I could never live up to Barbie’s perfect good looks, her globetrotting and her amazing career success. It’s really no wonder they made a movie about her.

She’s had 250 careers, from astronaut to ballerina to zoologist She’s been a yoga teacher, a soccer coach and an Olympic skier. And even with her hectic work life, she’s still found time for travel and hobbies. She cooks, camps and bowls. She plays tennis, baseball, basketball, hockey and volleyball and she has the clothes to prove it all.

 Dr. Barbie, Farmer Barbie, Pop Star Barbie. Barbie’s message has always been that girls can grow up to do whatever they set their minds to—as long as they have the right wardrobe.

Meanwhile my inspiration was a couple of Barbie wannabes. I loved them dearly but they were not the multi-talented overachiever that Barbie is, not if their clothes were any indication. I made many of their dresses myself using old socks. What kind of career can a doll have wearing old socks? That might explain why I work at home wearing sweatpants.

But maybe there’s a Barbie in my future. Barbara Millicent Roberts—Barbie—made her debut on March 9, 1959. Yes, Barbie’s turning 65. And you know what that means. Here comes Medicare Barbie!

Why not? She may have a few age spots from her years in the sun as Beach Volleyball Barbie. And her figure might be less like an hourglass and more like a juice glass. But she’ll still look fabulous in a cardigan, stretch denim jeans and loafers. Yes, Medicare Barbie will wear sensible shoes. Wisdom comes with age. So do bunions.

If Barbie can grow older, so can her clone friends. I see Winter in New York Barbie aging into Hot Flash Barbie. When you least expect it, her face will turn bright red and sweat beads will form on her brow. Hot Flash Barbie will come with an assortment of tank tops, an iced tea and a fan.  

And Tennis Barbie will naturally mature into Pickleball Barbie. She’ll come decked out in leggings, a knee brace and a baggy T-shirt that says, “Pickle Ball: The Real Dill.”

Camping Barbie had her backpack and sleeping bag. Now she’ll settle into a new role as Camp Host Barbie with a comfy lawn chair, a welcome sign and a fabulous motorhome.

Obviously between her extensive travel and her many careers Barbie didn’t have time for children. So she’ll skip straight to Grandma Barbie, complete with two small children, reading glasses and an AARP tote bag.

 But wait! There’s more. Our new mature Barbie and her clone pals will come together in Medicare Barbie, the movie. During one of their regular coffee dates Medicare Barbie will reveal to her friends that she’s having a late midlife crisis. Hilarity will ensue as they all become human and get colonoscopies, mammograms and matching tattoos. Then Barbie will find new purpose traveling the country to educate women everywhere about the importance of a healthy body image and the dangers of high heels. Now there’s something to aspire to.