Cruising teaches us about building relationships. The ship we are on has over 1200 passengers. When we join others for dinner, formal pleasantries begin: “Where are you from?” “Have you ever been on a cruise before?” “Are you retired?” The conversation starts, but sometimes it doesn’t progress. As the chatter deepens, the couple begins sharing stories and even takes over the conversation. There is no give and take, no curiosity about others at the table. Knowing how conversations should flow, I get annoyed and shut down, not wanting to share. I find the couple boring and choose to avoid them at future meals. I believe that interesting people are truly interested. If a question isn’t asked within the first five minutes, I prefer to move on.
When I was raising my children, I played a game that illustrates this concept. When they were toddlers, I would sit across from one of them on the floor and roll a ball to them with their legs open. They would roll it back to me, and anticipation and giggling would follow. After a while of this serve-and-return game, I would hold back the ball and not roll it back, which would make them frustrated, confused, and even angry. Several times, I watched them lose interest and stop playing. We continued playing this game into their elementary school years. Now, because they were older and more verbal, when I held back the ball, they would express their frustration and ask me to roll it back. I used this as an example to teach them about the dance of conversation and communication; when you roll the ball, I roll it back, and so on. When they became adolescents and didn’t share how they felt with me, I reminded them of the game we used to play. I told them that when they didn’t share, I felt like they were withholding the ball from me. This example conveyed how I felt when they didn’t share the details of their lives with me.
Many people admire stories and someone’s ability to communicate, but asking questions and listening for answers is even more impressive. Throwing the ball in a serve-and-return style creates a communication dance full of equality, interest, curiosity, and even elegance.
We can improve our listening skills through practice. The next time you’re with others, focus on listening and asking questions. When someone asks about you, try to respond simply without elaborating or using superlatives. Then, ask them about themselves. Everyone enjoys talking about themselves. Be curious and intentional about developing the relationship. Once the relationship is developed, more details are often shared, and the conversation goes deeper.
Being a great speaker is a worthwhile goal, but being an active listener is just as important. It connects us through our shared humanity—to be heard, understood, and known. Showing interest in others is caring and compassionate. Remember, to be interesting, you must be interested. Curiosity starts the conversation dance. joneen@narme.org