A while ago, I witnessed a preschool boy whack his little sister. Crying and pandemonium ensued. Mom calmly took her son’s hand and said, “That was disrespectful and mean. I want you to say you are sorry to your sister.” He cried, then screamed, “SOOOORRRREEEE.” Mom interjected, saying, “No, that is not how you apologize.” What she did next made me weep. She knelt so he could see her face. She placed his hand on his heart and whispered, “You must say you are sorry like it comes from inside your heart.” The little boy caught his breath and said to his baby sister, “I am sorry. I never want to be mean to you.” I was so impressed. What a wonderful lesson to learn as a child. Apologies and forgiveness are essential for healthy relationships, whether between siblings, parents, other family members, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or couples.
More recently, my husband and I were at the theater. The people behind us were talking and having fun. Once the show started, their frivolity continued. My husband turned around to gently signal it was time to stop. They kept talking. This time, he asked them to be quiet. They kept talking. Then he turned more abruptly and asked, “Are you going to carry on the entire show?” The woman snapped back sarcastically, “Yes, as a matter of fact, we are.” I grabbed my husband and gently motioned for him to let it go. Moments later, to our complete surprise, the lady tapped my husband’s shoulder and apologized. She said with all sincerity, “What I said was rude and uncalled for. Please forgive me.” We quickly forgave and thanked her. After the show, she stopped us and apologized once again. I was impressed. It is difficult to apologize. It takes an extraordinary character to humble ourselves before others and admit we were wrong.
Being able to ask for forgiveness and to forgive is crucial, especially in marriage. Maintaining a healthy relationship is difficult because, no matter how compatible two people are, there will be times when one partner acts in ways that go against the other’s wishes or expectations. This is a recipe for disappointment and hurt. When a partner violates the other’s expectations, it results in a relational transgression or even a breach of trust. According to psychologist Tim Cole, Ph.D., this loss of trust can pose a serious threat to the relationship. When couples experience a breach of trust and struggle to repair the damage, many relationships enter a downward spiral of increased negativity and disengagement, often leading to their demise.
Because disappointment and misunderstandings are unavoidable, being able to work through such challenges is the key to maintaining a healthy relationship. Forgiveness involves letting go of hurt feelings, not holding a grudge, and taking steps to re-establish intimacy and closeness.
According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the best-selling book, The Five Love Languages and, more recently, The Language of Apology, the artful apology is skillful and has several components. One must express regret and accept responsibility. Then, one must make restitution or repair the relationship, seeking to make things right. One must also change the behavior that caused the infraction, and finally, one must ask for forgiveness, acknowledging that forgiveness is not an entitlement.
That mom taught her son how to apologize. The woman at the theater also learned the art of apology. Let us seek to acquire this skill and restore our relationships. joneen@narme.org