Retirement arrives like a long-anticipated vacation. No more waking up before dawn to get to the office before the staff arrives. I can finally relax over coffee, get a few overdue projects completed, and read that pile of books beside the bed.
It also means being together all the time. By week three, one spouse inevitably looks at the other and asks the quiet question lingering in the room: “Did you always breathe that loudly?”
The good news is that research shows retirement can strengthen marriages when couples learn how to adapt to this new stage. A supportive partnership can even boost health, lower stress, and improve overall well-being during retirement. How do couples survive, and even thrive, when the office disappears, and the house suddenly becomes a full-time shared workspace?
Experts advise couples to intentionally maintain individual hobbies and friendships, so they don’t become overly dependent on each other. They also suggest creating a new rhythm together. The time spent commuting, in meetings, or at the office can now be used for morning walks, regular date nights, playing cards, getting to know neighbors, or working together to entertain grandchildren. Learning and growing together, volunteering, taking a class, cultivating a hobby, or traveling are just some of the many benefits of retirement.
Speaking of traveling, my husband and I are on a 93-day South Pacific cruise visiting amazing places like American Samoa, Fiji, Solomon Islands, Guadalcanal, Australia, and New Zealand. We are on day 73 living in a 250-square-foot cabin. How have we managed to keep our relationship intact, free from wanting to kill each other?
What we have done is establish a routine. Who will have time at the desk? When will each of us shower? How will we get to our excursion on time, trying to get ready in such a tiny space? What time will we go to eat? Go to the gym? When does the TV turn on and off? We have been intentional about creating a balance between spending time together and having designated separateness. Planning activities together, like playing a game, is a good way to maintain a healthy connection amid forced togetherness. Scheduling time alone is essential for health and well-being.
Independent experiences can strengthen togetherness because alone time fosters creativity, reflection, and wonder. It is in the quiet that we nurture intellectual curiosity, and the peace of solitude soothes our spirit. Constant stimulation keeps our minds running at full speed, preventing our brains from resting and recharging.
We use headphones or earbuds to block out noise and distractions when we’re together. Both of us are writers, and I continue to serve on the boards of a few national nonprofit organizations. This has required me to join Zoom calls in the middle of the night because of the crazy time differences in the South Pacific. With some planning, I have been able to find a private room on the ship to take my calls while my husband sleeps.
Healthy togetherness and necessary alone time require planning and communication. Establishing a rhythm, understanding what to expect, and respecting boundaries are keys to surviving retirement and thriving in marriage. After all, I married for better and for worse, but not for lunch.
joneen@narme.org