Spending, unending consumption, credit cards, online shopping, ATMs, refinancing deals, and online money transfers have made managing finances a shell game. Debt is at an all-time high, affecting the quality of relationships. For millennials, who are marrying later, both partners have a financial history they bring into the relationship. Some enter marriage with undisclosed financial obligations. This disclosure avoidance regarding debt creates a crumbling of trust and may even feel like a betrayal that deconstructs the relationship’s fabric.
Not only do we come into relationships with debt, but we also have unspoken expectations about how we make, spend, save, and give money. We have years of modeling about how our family of origin managed resources. Money affects choices, identities, self-worth, sense of freedom and security, emotions, hopes, dreams and expectations. Conversations about money are based on intention, unspoken motives, daily decisions, activities, and a framework of a belief system that is not untangled in our consciousness or adequately verbalized. This makes finances the third rail of relationship management and a tightrope of delicate discussions. This is especially true as we deal with this inflationary economy and holiday gift-giving.
Research highlights that most adults enter marriage with some form of debt. Dr. Scott Stanley, professor of psychology at the University of Denver, opines, “It is pretty common to find out that the person you married has more debt and less income than you realized.” This is a “negative dowry” effect. There used to be such a thing as a dowry, property or money brought by a bride to her husband on their marriage. Also, a “hope chest” was an ordinary furniture item where women would add items of value or family heirlooms to bring into their marriage for legacy building. These traditions are a thing of the past. How a couple deals with this “new normal” predicts the success or failure of their relationship.
To overcome this landmine, emotional safety in the relationship is defined as the ability to be totally honest, vulnerable, and openly discuss this issue. Stanley recommends that couples view themselves as two separate individuals with a shared third identity: me, you and us. A way to diffuse conflict when both individuals are working and sharing the duties at home is a shared bank account, with each partner having their accounts used by each individual but disclosed to one another with trust and transparency. For relationships to be successful, both partners need to contribute equally in the form of finances and effort. If one person feels that he or she is the only one contributing to the union’s success, resentments will run high, and the relationship equilibrium will be negatively affected.
On a positive note, today’s couples have the fantastic opportunity to design and reimagine how their relationship is going to operate, not having to align with the roles of the past, Ensuring the relationship is defined by full disclosure, honesty, transparency, and respect is the path to success.