Recently, I asked a friend how he was doing, and he broke down. Fighting back tears, he said he wasn’t doing well. His best friend was on life support, and the family was being asked to decide whether to remove the ventilator that was keeping him alive. On top of this, he admitted that his marriage was in trouble and his family was falling apart. How does one cope with disasters like losing a loved one, estrangement, divorce, bankruptcy, or a life-threatening illness? How do we bounce back and become resilient, finding the strength to face another day, move forward, rebuild, and start over? At some point, we have experienced, or will experience, failure, tragedy, disappointment, or a devastating blow. Resilience is the art of bouncing back and is something we can learn and prepare for. Resilience is defined as mental toughness, perseverance, optimism, and the courage to stay in the arena. It is the opposite of victimhood. Resilience is not hereditary or given to a select few. It is cultivated through thoughts, attitudes, actions, and behaviors. Studies show that the primary factor in resilience is having caring and supportive relationships.
I remember experiencing a TKO (Total Knock Out) 30 years ago when my husband of 20 years announced that he wanted a divorce. I thought my life was over. It took every ounce of energy to keep it together for the children. During my depression and shock, I had to buy a home, move, and figure out life on my own. Family and friends lifted me out of the pit. The day of my move, I was not functional. I could hardly drive to the new house and meet the moving van because I could not see through my tears. When I arrived, I recognized several cars. My friends, neighbors, school chums, and work colleagues had created a moving team that was at the new house when I arrived. They had organized themselves into groups to tackle the tasks in the kitchen, bedroom, bathrooms, and basement. Even the art crew was busy hanging mirrors and pictures. By the end of the day, when my children arrived at their new home, the house was put together, with beds turned down, pictures hung, the refrigerator stocked with meals, and boxes hauled away. My friends’ help touched my heart; I knew I was going to be okay. Cultivating deep, authentic relationships over many years compelled these life helpers to be there for me in my most profound need.
Once I moved, I had to readjust my life, take realistic baby steps toward recovery, and rebuild my confidence. I had to learn how to honor my feelings and communicate my hurt and loss to my counselor. I had to regain my sense of humor after crying so much. I had to journal to unpack and unravel the confusion and chaos in my mind and heart. I had to learn how to ask for help, stay in a supportive community, and remain hopeful. I am dedicated to living in a community and not just a neighborhood. I am intentional about building a network that can serve one another, gather, have fun, and do life together.
With all that is going on in our country about oppression and privilege, we must help individuals who are struggling build healthy, supportive relationships to walk this difficult road called life together. We must build a community that serves one another, gathers, has fun, and cares. We must also do this for our children and grandchildren, building resilience so they can be victors, not victims, because life is hard and we cannot do it alone. joneen@narme.org