Returning from a national conference in Charleston, South Carolina, I was overwhelmed with the amount of research imparted regarding the economic and health benefits of relational stability fostered by committed couples who vow to do life together. This summit was hosted by the National Alliance for Relationship and Marriage Education (NARME) where researchers, Healthy Marriage and Responsible Grantees, marriage and family therapists, military leaders, child welfare specialists, counselors, social workers and TANF case managers gathered to network and learn the social science and best practices to promote human flourishing and to address social challenges. One speaker caught my attention. Not a social scientist but, rather, an economics professor and researcher outlined the marriage privilege outlined in the literature. Throughout her presentation she showcased how those who have a healthy marriage, Black, White, Asian, Hispanic and Native American are privileged economically, socially, and emotionally. She imparted the statistics regarding two-income households, access to one another as a job-share system to do the tasks of daily life with efficiency and assistance and overcome obstacles together. These couples, do better in several health indicators, suffer less from isolation, loneliness, depression, alcoholism, and addictions. If they have children, they do better academically, experience less behavioral challenges, need less services and resources from the school or the community, and have a distinct advantage over those who live outside a safe and stable committed union.
In one of the workshops for educators, the presenter asked attendees how many ever ask their students if marriage is one of their life goals? Out of approximately 100 workshop participants, only one raised her hand. This is shocking! When asked why the teachers did not broach the topic, they opined that many of their students come from generations of unhealthy relationships, single-parent families and grandparents raising their grandchildren. They told the presenter they were concerned that if they brought up marriage, the students would be triggered and feel bad. The presenter then asked this profound question, “What if your students resided in a family where, historically, none of their ancestors graduated from high school or went on to college, would you be concerned about talking about graduating from high school or college?” What we are witnessing is advantage discrimination and the base of inequality continuing the cycle of what came before. Many of these students have no idea of the privilege that awaits if they stabilize their lives with healthy committed connections.
What we know from national surveys administered by the Monitoring the Future Study of high school seniors, close to 85% list healthy marriages and families as one of their life goals. A professor at Auburn University shared that when he asked the life goals question, he calculated similar percentages of marriage and family as one of the top 3 life goals. He went a step further and asked, “Of those who desired to marry and have and family, how many felt prepared to have a lifetime with their same partner?” Only 40% declared that they felt they had the ability to be with one partner for a lifetime. This tells us that there is a gap of what young people long for and desire and what they think is possible. Let’s work together to fill this gap with relationship skills training, partner selection strategies and support. We must do this to increase equality and stop the advantage discrimination. joneen@myrelationshipcenter.org