Life is never the same after a loved one dies. A broken rhythm of a 5-minute check-in call on the way to the office or the celebration of a birthday are jarring reminders of her passing. Grieving is universal, but what is grieving exactly. Is it a process, a skill, or a pathway to something?
Some experts choose to describe grieving as a form of learning or creating new habits around a loss. Grieving involves creating an adaptation mechanism in the heart and the brain. First, the wave of intense emotions gives rise to memories and the inevitability of change. Change is manifested in what we miss.
What I miss is the constant pep talks she gave me. “Honey, you are changing the world one person, one relationship at a time.” Don’t let them get you down.” “Stand strong.” “Follow your heart.” “You are smart.” Because of her positivity and strength, even though I long to hear those words, they are embedded in my spirit. I feel like she is duct-taped to my skin and that comforts my soul.
Neuroscientists opine that when one experiences a loss, they do not need to be cheered up, they need to emote, remember and be listened to with compassion and kindness. They need words of healing and support. These words surround the brain in a warm bath of calmness and connectedness which reduces sadness and anxiety. Being anticipatory about little blessings and miracles is also helpful for healing.
Recently I was coming home from a speaking engagement in Columbus, Georgia on my mom’s birthday. I had a three-hour layover at the airport and there was a Brighton store close to the ladies’ restroom. During the time that I was caring for Mom in my home, I had somehow misplaced my way-too-expensive sunglasses. In the store was a pair of lovely sunglasses. I grappled with paying a hundred dollars for sunglasses that I lose. I argued with myself and then went, sans glasses, to the gate. Since I had to use the ladies’ room again, I stopped into the store just to take another peak. Nope, I would not buy these and dutifully went back to my seat. There seemed to be a force pulling me back to the shop. I went into the store one more time, tried on the glasses and silently made a pledge to never take them out of my car and to take care of them. I did it. Yikes, I just bought them. With sunglasses in hand, I rested in my seat ready to get home. I took out the change purse that belonged to my mom. I used it to store my earbuds. She had a little cross in a tiny handknit holder. When I went to get my earbuds out of the change purse, the cross had fallen out, and it was replaced with a tightly folded one-hundred-dollar bill. That was not there before. I was so moved, I started to weep. My mom bought me an extravagant gift on her birthday! I love miracles!
joneen@myrelationshipcenter.org