Recently, I asked a friend how he was doing, and he fell apart. Fighting back tears, he said he was not doing well. His best friend was on life support, and the family was being asked to decide whether to remove the ventilator that was keeping him alive. On top of this, he confessed that his marriage was on the rocks and his family was falling apart. How does one cope with catastrophes like the loss of a loved one, estrangement, divorce, bankruptcy, or a child in trouble? How do we bounce back and become resilient, having the strength to face another day, move forward, rebuild, and start over? At some point, we have or will experience failure, tragedy, disappointment, or a wrecking ball that has landed on us. Resilience, the art of bouncing back, is something we can learn and plan for. Resilience is defined as mental toughness, perseverance, optimism, and courage to stay in the arena. It is the opposite of victimhood. Resilience is not hereditary or given to a select few. It is cultivated through thoughts, attitudes, actions, and behaviors. Studies show that the primary factor in resilience is having caring and supportive relationships.
I remember having a TKO (Total Knock Out) years ago when my husband of 20 years announced that he wanted a divorce. I thought my life was over. It took every ounce of energy to keep it together for the children. During my depression and shock, I had to buy a home, move, and figure out life on my own. Family and friends lifted me out of the pit. On the day of my move, I was not functional. I could hardly drive to the new house and meet the moving van because I could not see through my tears. When I arrived, there were several cars that I recognized. My friends, neighbors, school chums, and work colleagues had created a moving team that was at the new house when I arrived. They had organized themselves into groups, tackling the tasks of kitchen, bedroom, bathrooms, and basement. Even the art crew was busy hanging mirrors and pictures. By the end of the day, when my children came to their new home, the house was put together, beds were turned down, pictures were hung, the refrigerator was stocked with meals, and boxes were hauled away. I was so moved by the help of my friends; I knew I would be okay. Cultivating deep, authentic relationships over many years compelled these life helpers to be there in my most profound need.
Once I moved, I had to readjust my life, take realistic baby steps to recovery, and regain my confidence. I had to learn how to honor my feelings and communicate my hurt and loss to my counselor. I had to regain a sense of humor after crying all the time. I had to journal to unpack and unravel the confusion and chaos in my mind and heart. I had to learn how to ask for help, stay in a supportive community, and stay hopeful. With all that is going on in our country about oppression and privilege, we must help all individuals build healthy, supportive relationships to walk this difficult road called life together. We must build resilience and grit in our children so they can be victors, not victims. joneen@narme.org