Relationships are tricky. There are ups, downs, way ups, and the oh-no-do-we-need-to-break-up downs. The sweet reward of being loved well and the ability to love in return inspires all of us to navigate these choppy waters. Sometimes, we need help figuring it out. Mostly, we need skills to put into practice.
One of the skills we need is perspective. Not all days in loving relationships are fun. Dealing with the drudgery and responsibility of laundry, sick kids, meal preparation, insane schedules, and carpooling is taxing. But having your partner play footsies with you after the kids are in bed is priceless.
The phrase we hear on airplanes to put on our oxygen mask first and then help others is a great skill. Taking care of ourselves so that we can care for others is imperative. This is essential if there has been trauma in your life. You need to get help to heal from the trauma so your relationships can be healthy and satisfying. Knowing what your partner can do to assist you in healing is part of communicating well. First, you must hone your self-awareness skills to communicate your needs. Don’t expect your partner to be a mind-reader. That is too much pressure and is not fair. Healthy people ask for what they need.
Knowing each other’s personalities and how they operate in the world and honoring them is a skill to be learned and put into practice. Letting people be who they are establishes emotional safety and opens the heart to vulnerabilities and closeness. Exploring and discovering your partner’s primary and secondary love language (how they give and receive love) speaks to loving efficiently and effectively and speaking the language of their heart. For example, if your love language is words of affirmation and your partner’s is acts of service, a love language barrier might require an interpreter.
Knowing how to apologize to ensure that your partner knows you are contrite and genuinely sorry is imperative. This is the repair mechanism when your partner is hurt. Expressing gratitude for what your partner does, but more importantly, with who they are, opens the heart to love and attachment.
According to the research, conflict resolution, hearing, and validating your partner’s emotions are essential skills for healthy relationship development and maintenance of intimacy. We also need self-discipline and impulse control as adults to sustain our relationships and teach our children. According to leadership experts, self-discipline is the number-one character trait that builds healthy relationships and life success.
Competencies in character are essential to developing and maintaining healthy relationships. One cannot have a healthy relationship with a person who is not trustworthy, unkind, or short-tempered.
Intentionality and commitment to the health of the relationship should be a priority. We are hardwired to connect and not to do life alone.
Possessing these skills is a game-changer regarding our health and happiness. After all, according to the 75-year Harvard Happiness Study, the secret to health and happiness is the quality of our relationships. joneen@narme.org