Dig through your old photos and I bet you’ll find at least a few where someone is blocking their face with their hands or ducking behind someone else or scowling at the photographer. These are not attractive poses. But those of us forever immortalized in them never imagined a day we’d not only stand still for pictures, we’d take them of ourselves and post them on social media for the whole world to see. What changed?
Well, nothing for me. I never take selfies. But recently members of an organization I belong to were asked to take pictures of ourselves wearing a certain T-shirt and post them on the group Facebook page. Not only would I have to take my own photo, I’d have to look happy doing it.
I’ve been forced into selfies by other people so I knew about the doohickey that flips my phone’s camera toward me. I touched it, smiled and…uh oh.
There was no time to whiten my teeth and have a little work done, but I figured there had to be something I could do. I sought advice on the internet and that’s when I realized just how much things have changed in the world of picture taking. When I typed in the words, “How to take a selfie,” I got more than a billion results—1,290,000,000 to be exact. I’m not making that up. Doesn’t anyone run from cameras anymore?
I blew an hour skimming articles and following links in a desperate attempt to improve my selfie—or get out of taking it altogether.
The consensus seemed to be that it’s best to take your selfie in natural light—which apparently you can buy. Really. There’s something called a selfie ring which promises to eliminate shadows and mimic natural daylight. I didn’t have time to buy fake natural light but I do have windows.
One article suggested sheer curtains for a more appealing selfie. I don’t have those but I do have blackout curtains. And I don’t mean to give anything away, but there were moments in my selfie-taking ordeal when I was tempted to use them.
I was optimistic to start with though. Since I was taking my own photo I figured I could just keep adjusting my look until I was happy with it. My only hope when someone else takes my picture is to beg them not to use it.
And wouldn’t you know, there were dozens of suggested poses online. First I tried the “squinch,” a slight squint involving the lower eyelids more than the upper eyelids. This is supposed to make you look more confident. I looked like I needed to visit my optometrist.
The “smize” is a smile you make with your eyes more than your teeth. Selfie-takers demonstrating it looked great., but I couldn’t seem to smile with my eyes without my mouth getting involved.
To do the “teeg” I pressed my tongue against the back of my teeth so that a little bit of it showed in my smile. It’s cute when puppies do it.
I didn’t try the “pout” because I don’t find pouting attractive on me or anyone else. But I did try “pruning” which is when you say the word “prune” as the picture is snapped. Supposedly this creates a less pouty pout but I didn’t care for that look either. Fish lips come to mind.
After trying all of these and many more, you’d think “LOLing” would have been easy. That’s when you start laughing, freeze and shoot the photo. I looked hysterical.
By that time, I was discouraged and my face hurt. I gave up and opened my camera phone. Then I let my eyes do whatever they wanted, said “cheese” half-heartedly and snapped my photo. It looked like a mugshot without the booking number. Next time I’m using my blackout curtains.