Christmas and Hanukkah celebrations are here. Most are realistic enough to know that family gatherings this time of year can be stressful. Financial stress is added to the mix now that we are experiencing higher costs. Perhaps you have that one family member you know who drinks too much and starts the political wrangling we all agreed to avoid. Maybe there is an angst about the outcome of the election.
The question is, why do we get stressed around the holidays? Behavioral research outlines that one of the most common reasons we get stressed is because we have high, almost unrealistic, levels of expectations around these yearly events. We reminisce about holiday celebrations we experienced as a child when we were woefully ignorant of what the adults were experiencing. As children, we watched holiday television specials and enjoyed all the gifts, fanfare, smells, and traditions. Making holidays special for children and keeping them away from adult challenges is wonderful. Once we become adults, however, and host holiday gatherings of our own, this stress level kicks in. We have little experience with passive-aggressive relatives and those who want to disrupt rather than devote themselves to healthy family interaction.
Sometimes stress happens because we are reminded of how time marches on and affects our health and vitality. Grandma may no longer be capable of cooking an entire feast or baking cookies with the Littles. She may even be unable to travel to see her children and grandchildren changing the traditions we have had in place for years. With social and cultural norms changing rapidly, the picture of the happy nuclear family is even further from our experience. More people have more complex family structures—parents divorce and remarry, families blend—and, as a result, childhood traditions are crushed. Traditions are foundational to our faith, identities, and childhood experiences.
Life is full of challenges, including inflation, uncertainty, and health and safety concerns. These challenges become baggage and stressors we bring into the holidays. Sometimes, adults hear critical comments from their parents, which makes us feel unworthy, guilty, childlike, and angry.
Experts in happiness, life satisfaction, and human flourishing challenge us to enjoy the holidays by lowering our expectations and looking at things differently regarding the blessings of belonging to a family, even though dysfunction and eccentricity exist. They recommend that we all seek to be givers rather than takers and not be sensitive or offended by a flippant remark. Taking the power away from someone to hurt us is empowering. Finding humor in chaos is a skill. A way to reduce stress is to set realistic boundaries and prepare ourselves mentally for the onslaught of disappointment we might feel when expectations are not met. Staying thankful and in gratitude is a superpower.
Finally, the experts advise us to create new traditions that are realistic and even a bit quirky. View the holidays as a great family adventure, and we are privileged to design and participate in creating fun, joy, memories, and laughter for all concerned. Merry Christmas and Happy Hannukah! joneen@narme.org