Recently, I was in DC at a Social Connection Conference. The panelists were so-called subject matter experts on strategies to reduce social isolation and loneliness. They opined that we need more parks and recreation activities, more arts, more hobbies and more government funding for organizations like Meals on Wheels. My heart was pounding out of my chest. This is not what we need, we need healthy marriages, safe and stable families and most of all parents loving one another and their children.
When the winds of life blow hardest, children look for shelter. They look for arms that protect, eyes that affirm, voices that guide. Those arms, eyes, and voices ideally belong to a mother and father. Children don’t just need food, shelter, schooling, parks, arts or hobbies, they need roots. The deepest roots are grown in the soil of a loving, committed marriage and family.
I heard this story about eight-year-old Calvin who was sitting alone on the playground bench. His shoes were worn and his clothes ragged. He was smart, kind, and hopeful, but his eyes held a tiredness no child should carry. His teacher, Mrs. Richardson, noticed he rarely turned in homework and often dozed off in class. One afternoon, she asked him gently, “Calvin, is everything okay at home?” He looked down. “Mom works a lot. I don’t really see her. And I don’t know where my dad is.” Mrs. Richardson later learned that Calvin’s father had left when he was two. His mother juggled two jobs to keep food on the table. No one was abusive. No one was cruel. But the emotional absence of both parents was a silent thief, stealing Calvin’s confidence, his sense of identity, his foundation. Calvin wasn’t failing because he wasn’t capable. He was failing because he lacked stability, he lacked the deep, grounding love that comes when two parents raise a child together, unified in intention, purpose and presence.
Social science is unequivocal: children raised by their married, biological parents are more likely to thrive academically, emotionally, socially, and economically. A stable marriage creates a consistent, nurturing environment where children feel safe. They know who will tuck them in at night, who will show up at their game, who will love them unconditionally, even when they mess up.
Marriage is not merely a contract or a piece of paper, it is a sacred and secular commitment that protects children. Of course, life isn’t perfect, many single parents move heaven and earth for their kids. I know, I was a single parent for eight years. It was brutal. So, when I write about the ideal, optimalsoil for children to flourish, I am quoting the research about healthy marriage and safe and stable families. We must stop pretending marriage is optional or outdated. It is not. For children, it is the ecosystem in which they learn trust, responsibility, and how to love for generations to succeed, thrive and flourish.
If we want to change the world, we must start at the roots. We must nourish marriage and family and support parents. There is no substitute. Children need parents. joneen@narme.org