Traveling in Italy for the last few months has been relaxing, educational, and amazing. I am overwhelmed with gratitude to be able to take this once-in-a-lifetime trip. As Fall is in full swing, I am reminded that the holidays are approaching. Returning Stateside in early December, I am considering how we will operationalize the Christmas season. Since we continue looking for our downsized home after selling our house in Greenwood Village in June, I am considering where we will gather for Christmas. What traditions will we keep, and what new ones will we develop? How will we share the time between biological parents and stepparents?
Blended families, even with adult children with children of their own, can be daunting. Will everyone get along? How will we celebrate the holiday with the older grandchildren on my husband’s side, as some of them are home from college for a couple of weeks? Where will people sit for dinner? Should the older children sit at the children’s table? Should we feed them first so they can play while the adults enjoy their dinner?
Even for the most happily married couples, the holidays can be complicated and fraught with conflict and compromise. It is exponentially more tangled for parents and grandparents trying to walk the tightrope of pleasing everyone and making memories in a blended family.
This year, we will attempt to plan well. The food will be plentiful, with items that children and adults enjoy. After going through the abundance of choices on the buffet, we will set several tables so individuals, families, siblings, cousins, and stepchildren can arrange where they want to sit.
Since there is a diversity of thought and even some animus regarding politics or religious traditions, we will make a pact to keep these discussions limited or off-limits. We need to try to maintain relationships rather than being right. One of the strategies to keep stress low and connection high is not to be offended or sensitive about inartful or harsh comments that could be misinterpreted. We must remember that there is no guile in anyone, and we should seek to be graceful and forgiving with one another. We expect everyone to act emotionally restrained, mature, and kind, making the time together peaceful and calm. We will continue trying new ways to connect with our growing blended family, working hard to make them memorable and magical with so many moving parts.
Divorce is never easy; the ensuing challenges continue long after the breakup. When remarriage occurs, life gets complicated when children are on both sides. In addition, spouses of adult children and grandchildren are on each side. Creating a new tribe and developing new rules, traditions, and memories is challenging. The tribe we created is a delight filled with diversity, grace, and patience. This did not happen by chance. It was done with love, kindness, and intentionality. Every holiday, I am thankful for the foundation built to create our new family rhythms, traditions, and celebrations. Happy Fall! joneen@narme.org