Spending, unending consumption, credit cards, online shopping, ATMs, college loans, refinancing deals, and online money transfers have made managing finances a shell game. Debt is at an all-time high, and it is affecting the quality of relationships. For millennials who are marrying later, both partners bring financial histories into the relationship. Some enter marriage with undisclosed financial obligations. This avoidance of debt disclosure can erode trust and may even feel like a betrayal, deconstructing the fabric of the relationship.
Not only do we enter relationships with debt, but we also carry unspoken expectations about how we make, spend, save, and give money. We have had years of modeling from how our family of origin managed resources. Money affects choices, identities, self-worth, sense of freedom and security, emotions, hopes, dreams, and expectations. Conversations about money are shaped by intention, unspoken motives, daily decisions, activities, and a belief system that remains untangled in our consciousness or inadequately verbalized. This makes finances the third rail of relationship management and a tightrope of delicate discussions.
Research shows that most adults enter marriage with some form of debt. Dr. Scott Stanley, a professor of psychology at the University of Denver, notes that “It is pretty common to find out that the person you married has more debt and less income than you realized.” This is a “negative dowry” effect. There used to be such a thing as a dowry, defined as property or money brought by a bride to her husband on their marriage. Also, a “hope chest” was a common piece of furniture where women would add items of value or family heirlooms to bring into their marriage for legacy building. These traditions are a thing of the past. How a couple manages this “new normal” predicts the success or failure of their relationship.
To overcome this landmine, there must be emotional safety in the relationship, defined as the ability to be totally honest, vulnerable, and be able to discuss this issue openly. Stanley recommends that couples view themselves as two separate individuals with a shared third identity: me, you, and us. A way to defuse conflict when both individuals are working and sharing duties at home is a shared bank account, with each partner having their own accounts that are used by each individual but disclosed to one another with trust and transparency. For relationships to be successful, both partners need to contribute equally in the form of finance and effort. If one person feels that he or she is the only one contributing to the success of the union, resentment will run high, and the relationship equilibrium will be negatively affected.
On a positive note, today’s couples have an amazing opportunity to design and reimagine how their relationship is going to operate, not having to align with the roles of the past. Ensuring the relationship is defined by full disclosure, honesty, transparency, and respect is the path to success. There are many online resources that teach financial literacy skills. Once a couple has these skills and agree on how to operationalize what they earn, spend, save, and donate, peace about money will prevail. There are so many landmines in a relationship; money should not be one of them. joneen@narme.org.